Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
