im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
