nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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