there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
