god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
