You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
