the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
it's like iHOP with fire
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
