when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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