Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
