you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
