Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
