if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
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