the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
