Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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