her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
