This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
