A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
