i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
