The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
