Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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