Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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