You just made me feel so damn special
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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