Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
