i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
