Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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