In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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