Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
