3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
