I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
