You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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