I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sober January is a disaster.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
