i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
