Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
