Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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