I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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