I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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