I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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