FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
