Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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