Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
