Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
