So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
