turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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