So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
