haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
