I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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