***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
