He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
