If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
