You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
