My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
