I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
