thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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