One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
