no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
