my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So many bounce houses so little time
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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