Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
