Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
