I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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