I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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